A Mother's Worried Heart

I am the mother of three children.....most of the time I am pleased with them, their outlook on life, their relationships, etc. I believe all mom's have their moments of complete frustration and discouragement....hopefully, they are brief and far and few between! That's the case in my life as a mom so far.....mostly proud Mommy moments, with just a few moments of discouragement. But this past Sunday, I had the first REALLY "fearfully discouraging" moment as a Mom....I wasn't discouraged simply because my child forgot to take his shoes off after coming in from a rainy, muddy trek through the yard....or because one of them turned their nose up at the dinner i slaved over....it wasn't even discouraging because I heard that they were disrespectful to another adult (one of my biggest buttons they can push!!). No, this was different.....
Over the past couple of months, my family and I have been going to a nursing home on an occasional Sunday to help out with a church service. My kids have had the opportunity to minister through music, Scripture and even something as simple as a hug. It's been a neat thing for us to do as a family. Well, this past Sunday, my oldest child (she is 8) said she didn't want to go. At first I tried to ignore her and hurried her into the van....but then as we traveled to the nursing home, I started to realize, she REALLY didn't want to do it....she was pouting because her lazy Sunday afternoon of tv watching had been interrupted and she had to go with us. My first instinct was to tell her to suck it up, put a smile on her face and start singing! That's pretty much the way I deal with every other piece of rebellion I face. But I decided to hold my tongue for a moment and get my thoughts together. So after a few minutes of quiet, I told her she didn't have to participate....she could find a seat over in the corner and just sit and wait for us to finish. And to that option, she simply said, "ok". That tiny response both angered me and devestated me.....I was angry because she was being defiant (to a point), and it devestated me because it was the first time really, that she had ever been so openly selfish. Of course, she has had her moments of self-centeredness......when she didn't want to share her latest candy score, or the "stage" she went through where she kept all her Littlest Pet Shop characters in a ziploc bag in her sock drawer because she didn't want her siblings to play with them......but really, overall, she is a pretty generous kid and has a fairly giving attitude. But not on that Sunday.....she had made a definite decision that it was all about her that day and she was not interested in hearing a sermon on ministering to those in need. So, we decided she would sit off to the side, be an observer and then we would all go home afterwards. As we walked into the home and I quietly chose a chair for her to slip into, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of fear creep up into my heart.....worry had a grip on my mind and I was finding it hard to focus on the task at hand. All I kept thinking about was her decision to NOT serve, to NOT minister, to NOT meet a very obvious need.....knowing she had the ability to easily bring joy and comfort to hurting and lonely hearts.....it was like I was catching a glimpse of things to "possibly" come....and it was something that I felt very incapable of dealing with. It literally broke my heart.
But as my other two children (and my cute little nephew) got up and sang songs, quoted Scripture, and flashed sweet smiles, my heart, and eyes, kept focusing on my eldest sitting off to the side, knowing she was pondering things in her heart and mind....praying that she was allowing the Lord to speak to her....praying that He would speak to ME, too!
As the children finished up and we took our seats in the back....and as the preacher pounded through his message about the love described in John 3:16....my teary-eyed, broken, beautiful daughter made her way out of the corner and came and crawled onto my lap. As she tried to get the words, "mommy, I'm sorry...." out, I just hugged her and gently rocked her. It had been a long time since she had assumed the position as 'my little baby'......it was the most amazing feeling, to have her back into my arms again, safe and secure.....it felt like I had been holding my breath for the past 30 minutes and I was finally able to exhale.
As the afternoon went on and I watched her make her rounds from one elderly person to another, giving hugs and sweet smiles, I mostly felt a sense of peace and contentment....but way back in the deepest parts of my mind and in the less explored places of my heart, I also felt a sense of worry and fear.....that this may not be the last time I see that side of my daughter, or any of my children for that matter. That despite all the time and effort to surround them with love, safety, security, sound doctrine and examples of God's grace and mercy, that in the end, they have a will of their own and their own personal battles against the flesh....battles I can't fight for them, as much as I wish I could.
For the most part, my eldest seems to be back to herself again.....just today, I saw her generously share her gum with her sister....and she even spent her whole 30 minute break from school work playing with Dylan (the cute nephew!), even though I know she wanted to get in on the Wii games that were being played by her siblings. It made my heart proud, and I told her so. And I'm not sure if the worrisome fear I experienced on Sunday will ever completely go away, but I know that it is not for me to dwell on....and that I am to focus on the very pressing, continuing, sometimes exhausting, yet always rewarding task at hand.....to raise my children in the ways of the Lord, to build a solid foundation of love, mixed with grace and mercy, lots of Scripture and even more prayer, and to truly trust that the Lord is in complete control of it ALL!