Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I am not at home right now.....I'm 'away', getting some much needed rest. It's been good and to be honest, I've been able to come close to REALLY relaxing (something I am not usually very good at)....I haven't really thought much about home and all that is waiting there for me as far as ministry, and that has really added to my 'rest'. It's been good.

But tonight I could think of nothing but home....in fact, I thought about it in a way that almost brought me to tears.

I was sitting in the middle of a youth group...one that I am somewhat familiar with....surrounded by people who I have even spent time in ministry with.....listening to great worship music.....sat under great teaching.....yet I found my mind wandering 950 miles away, to a much different place. It made me think of home....my tiny little reservation town. And what brought that place to mind was not very 'normal'. It was actually the youth group 'announcements'. They started out their youth meeting with a list of announcements....nothing fancy, pretty normal.....for here. But for the dusty little town that I live in, it was a far cry from normal. As the youth pastor announced Senior High meetings, lunches, Discipleship groups, etc, I was thinking about the 'youth' ministries I am involved in. There are no announcements there....because there are no meetings, discipleship groups, or even lunches.....there is nothing but our tiny little group that meets once a week.

Then I started looking around. All the kids wore warm clothes......most had nice Bibles with cute little notebooks.....many were carrying Starbucks cups full of nice, warm, coffee flavored liquids.....all were laughing and enjoying each other. I looked at the many, MANY leaders in the group....it seemed like there was one leader for every couple of youth! Back home, there are many nights where the kids come with no coats, even though the temp is way below freezing....none of them bring Bibles.....there are no Starbuck cups, in fact, many have not eaten since their school lunch, which is why we serve them some type of dinner......there is some laughter, but most of it is a cover up for the struggles and hurts they just left at their house....and we are definitely short staffed....not near enough hands to do the work, much less spend the one on one time with the kids.

Even the music and teaching was different....it was great and I loved it.....but it still reminded me of what we "don't" have back home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what we don't have....and I'm definitely not bitter about those who have more. But it did burden my heart for the people in the southwest, and the obstacles they have to overcome to even get to a place of being able to worship. Sometimes it's the cold, sometimes it's hunger, sometimes it's the lack of the Word, sometimes it's even the lack of good teaching. And as the youth pastor spoke on 1 Peter 1:10-16, another thing they 'lacked' came to mind.

Hope.

As he spoke of putting our hope into the things that are to come, I personally felt encouraged for my own spiritual walk, but it wasn't long that a weariness set in.....it was the weariness of trying to preach 'hope' to a people that have very little hope.....both in this world or the world to come. I have found it very difficult to teach about the hope that is to come, when they can't even grasp the concept of hope at all. Many have nothing to look forward.....it becomes quite the task to tell them and bring them to a place of rest in an eternal hope. Every home represented at our youth meeting (minus the few staff kids that come) are in some kind of turmoil.....whether it's some kind of abuse, or it's loss of a job, or alcoholism with one or both parents, or a severe medical problem....all of our families are in crisis of some kind. So as I sat there under this great teaching, and even though I was able to grow and find encouragement for my own heart, I suddenly became very weary again.....almost forgetting I was on 'vacation'. My heart was heavy for the people I had left back home.....and it still is now. My head hurts from the strain of holding back the tears.

Yet I'm reminded of a verse....."do not grow weary in doing good".....a command, yet a comfort at the same time. I know those words can mean different things to different people, but within those words I hear, "don't allow yourself to be so heavy hearted that you can't continue in the work I have laid before you"....."don't allow ANYTHING to cause you to lose sight of the vision I have for my people"......"don't take on all the hardships yourself....give them to Me.....I can handle them......not only handle them, but I can turn mourning into dancing, weeping into joy".

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling the burden of the people I serve and minister to, and I may never be able to think about their struggles without tearing up.....but I know that I can, and must, continue to 'do good' among them. And I must do it with confidence that my Lord walks beside me all the way....always willing and desiring to share the load with me. I look forward to many more years of "not growing weary in doing good" in my little dusty, reservation town :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Well, I've given it some thought, and I think I have come up with my goals for this year. Like I said earlier, I feel completely overwhelmed with my family, my ministry, my commitments and my life in general....I don't feel like this year I can "add" things to it....things I would like to accomplish.....such as, learn how to play the guitar, read lots of books, pursue my photography, get my master's degree, lose lots of weight, etc. Those are things I would love to put time and effort into, but I don't feel this is the time for me.....and that is hard, because I LOVE the new year, making lists and setting new goals. But the Lord just doesn't have me in a place where I can do that right now. And I've learned to be ok with it....mostly.
But what I have decided to do is work on some things that I am already doing.....improving what I am already busy with. I dont' feel like that will take as much time from my busy schedule and yet I can still be working towards 'something'. We'll see how that works.....

For starters, I am not going to be able to spend as much time on my weight, but I do want to continue to improve my eating habits and live a healthy life. I get so discouraged if I don't meet my 'goals' in this area, that I am not setting specific ones, but just seeking to please the Lord with my choices. And to regulate my pain that so often hinders me. I find that the more I exercise, the better I feel. And although I don't always have the time to spend in that area, I need to make it a little more of a priority....I need to feel better so I can make this year more productive and effective.

Next, I want to improve my prayer life.....I want to be sincere when I say "I will pray for you". I used to be so faithful in keeping a prayer journal, but now I only do it when I go to prayer meetings or hear the requests at church...but I want to be faithful in the little things too, outside of the formal settings. And I want to pray for my kids more too....not just the day to day stuff, but for their future. Sometimes it overwhelms me to think too far ahead, but I need to do it more often and more diligently.

And along the same lines, I want to be more committed to doing my quiet times....so I have made one specific goal there....I will not miss a day in 2010. I struggled whether to make that goal or not...just not sure if I could accomplish it....but after much prayer and some insight from a friend, decided to do it, commit to it whole-heartedly. I am looking forward to it already.

Next, there are several relationships I need to work on this year. It seems like my whole life and ministry center around relationships....and it's not a big secret that I am not very good at them (why the Lord put me in full-time ministry still amazes me sometimes). But since I am already chin deep in them, I might as well make them as profitable (for everyone involved) as possible. There are a few relationships in my family that need attention, as well as those I minister to often. Then there are the friends that I so often overlook. So this year I am just seeking to improve what I already have and as far as the new ones that emerge this year, I want to start them off right, with less hesitation. That one make take more than a year to accomplish, but I might as well start now.

And speaking of my ministry, that needs a little polishing up as well. I do tend to get overwhelmed in at times....if not for the sheer size of it, but the heaviness of it. There is much pain and struggle where I work....every family that I am involved with has some kind of struggle in it....and not what is normal to many of us.....it's deep, harsh, dangerous, and heavy. There is the threat of homelessness and starvation with some....there is much, much abuse out here.....infidelity is huge, along with alcoholism and drugs......there is the native religion that pulls at them and along with that the huge walls that we have to break through to reach them with the Gospel. Hopefully, with the improvement in my prayer life and time with the Lord, this area will improve as well. I need to daily remember that He will not give me more than I can handle...and with every trial He will give me the strength that I need and the wisdom I need to give to others.

So there it is...my list for the year....it's not near as fun or dynamic as years past, but it is where I am these days....and I am confident that this is where the Lord has me and that these are the goals He has set before me for the upcoming year.
I am praying (already working on goal number 2!) that the Lord will honor my efforts and my desires to make these improvements. We shall see.........