ugghhhh!

So I started a new book.....even though I told myself I wouldn't start a new one until I got done with the other 5 I am reading. But the Lord knows me better than I know myself and as soon as the book was placed in my hands, I knew I would probably not willingly and eagerly read it....mostly because of my weariness on the subject the past couple of days. So when I heard that gentle, soft, "read it now", I knew I just better obey and start.....or I would never do it.

So it's a book on relationships....which I happen to struggle in daily....all of them....no one is excluded. But this one is on friendships, which happens to be my worst and the one I make the most pitiful attempts in.
It started off discouraging for me....sharing stories of dear childhood friends, the closeness they shared, the sweetness of their fellowship, etc....all things that often elude me, by my own choice. Don't get me wrong....I have friends...probably more than I think I need (good thing I am not all-knowing in the area of my need, right?). And I enjoy all of them.....I find joy, laughter, fellowship, silliness, encouragement, and all the cool things that friends bring into our lives....I also sometimes find discouragement, hurt, frustration, fear, and all the not so cool things that we often find in them as well (and don't act like I'm the only one that deals with those things...we all do and it's nothing new). But my struggles go a little further than that....that is another blog for another day.....but I did want to jot down some of the things that are coming to light from the short time I have been reading this book (which was only about 2 hours but I am at least halfway through).
I have read enough books and heard enough discussions on the topic of friendships to know that we need them.....we are designed for them.....it's all in our make-up, especially as women. And I can actually agree with that....sounds like a good plan. And for those of us who struggle, I've heard many of the reasons as to why this area is difficult.....one reason that is often thrown around is upbringing.....particularly the relationship with our mothers. It's one of the points that this book brought up, along with the 2 responses that can result: withdrawal or dependence. Well, for anyone that has spent more than a day with me, then you know which way I lean.....i am definitely one that is ok with LOTs of space and can retreat into "hermit mode".....I am a withdrawer in the truest form. And I will admit, that my mom's role in my life probably does play a part in all of that. She made decisions when I was a child that led to us being separated for many years.....a choice she made, choosing her love for alcohol over me. That used to define me, but now I have obviously learned to find my worth in the choice my Savior made for me on the cross. But having faced that kind of abandonment (i have never used that word before)it has definitely made me VERY leery about entering into any relationship that has the potential of getting any more intimate than passing acquaintances. I have always shied away from them, but if I were being honest, often looked from afar at them with some curiosity and small longing.....but never really knowing how to go about it, not even really knowing where to begin. It was easier to just stay at a distance.
It was also a reminder to me about the consequences of sin....not necessarily the consequences of MY sin (although that happens lots too!!), but in this case the sins of others, which sometimes effects us....in this case, the sins/choices my mom made. In the providence of God (which has been displayed in the most amazing ways this week!!!), I even looked at that in my devotions this am.....I was in Gen 3, where Adam and Eve have sinned and now stand before God as He deals out the consequences of that sin....which as we all know, effects everyone of us on a daily basis. Well, I have learned the same to be true in our personal lives, and the sins of our "fathers", so to speak. Although the particular 'sin' is over and I now have a functioning relationship with my mom (all under my full control, of course!....hey, at least I'm admitting it!!!), and I have mostly dealt with that part of my life, there are still aspects of it that pop up....like here, in the area of friendships. It becomes the temptation to get frustrated with my past then.....something that doesn't happen often. I've have learned over the years to be appreciative of what the Lord has allowed to pass through His hand and give to me. But there are days that I am tempted to become resentful, when it stands in the way of something I would really like to partake and enjoy.
But as I stood in church this morning and sang my all time favorite hymn (one of the many, many examples of God working in this), I was reminded of who God is and how He longs for it to be 'well with my soul'.
So after I moved past the frustration I was struggling with, now I need to decide what to do with it all.....what is my next step in the area of friendship?
I have ideas....some I have already followed through with.....some will need time. I am thankful that my God is patient with me....and I am just as thankful for patient friends. This week has not been what I thought it would be....I rarely am ok with the focus being on me. But I am finding the more obedient I am in it, the less the focus has to be on me and things loosen up and get a little easier. So, that in itself, is inspiration to move forward in this! But in all honesty, although this journey I am on will ultimately bring me closer to the people around me and I so look forward to the sweet fellowship that will come as a result, I am more looking forward to growing closer to my God and living in an even sweeter fellowship there.
Thank you, friend, for walking with me....for being patient....for speaking the truth. I look forward to our "old age" and "motorcycles"!! And you are still the one that falls off!

(one day, the nancy leigh demoss notes....one blog at a time!) :)

O Majesty unspeakable, my soul desires to behold Thee. I cry to Thee from the dust.
Yet when I inquire after Thy name it is a secret. Thou art hidden in the light which no man can approach unto. What Thou art cannot be thought or uttered, for Thy glory is ineffable.
Still, prophet and psalmist, apostle and saint have encouraged me to believe that I may in some meaure know Thee. Therefore, I pray, whatever of Thyself Thou hast been pleased to disclose, help me to search out as treaure more precious than rubies or the merchandise of fine gold: for with Thee shall I live when the stars of the twilight are no more and the heavens have vanished away and only Thou remainest. Amen
A.W. Tozer


The heavens declare Thy glory, Lord,
In every star Thy wisdom shines;
But when our eyes behold Thy Word,
We read Thy name in fairer lines.
Isaac Watts

I know I've neglected my blogging duties here....no good excuse, just less computer time. I have begun the packing process....little by little, I've started chipping away at the overwhelming task that lies ahead. It's an exciting time, but it will be busy from here on out. We are technically still waiting for the official OK that we can move, but it looks positive....so I'm preparing for the best!!! We hope to be official residents of New Mexico by the end of April....praise the Lord!

I want to keep the thoughts flowing here, but it may be a little slower for the next month or so......just know that it's all for a good reason! Hopefully I will have continual good news about this next, exciting stage in our lives! Keep praying!

A glimpse of spring?

I'm sitting at home tonight, listening to yet more rain pound on the tin roof on the back porch....seems like there have been more rainy days lately, and very little sun. So it was almost a shock to wake up to a beautiful day on Thursday...the sun almost seemed like a foreigner!! I had heard rumors that it might be a nice day, so in the back of my hopeful mind, I had decided that we would get outside if it did come to pass!
So, after a few "have to" things were done, we packed our lunches, plenty of water, loaded up into the van, and we headed out to a local state park.
We had a great time hiking through the trails, a little cave exploring, and a contest to see who could swing the highest (Mommy won!!). It was so nice to leave my "to do" at home, unplug myself from technology, and just spend time with the family....and take pictures of it all! And I'm glad I did...because the good weather was short-lived.....the rain has returned and there is talk of snow for tomorrow. Ah, this is but a season.....literally, a season.....winter is long here, but it does eventually pass. And the other 'seasons' of my life will pass too....the season of waiting, the season of bad health, the season of broken relationships, the season of disappointment.....they are not meant to stay and I was sweetly reminded of that when i caught a small glimpse of the season to come.
Thank you Lord for the reminder of the "things to come"!

The Gift of the Fog....by Robert Benson

It is a brisk fall morning along the Carolina shore. I am walking along with a friend who wants to talk about the struggles he is having, trying to make a choice about a new direction in life. "It is as though I am driving in a fog and cannot see which way to turn," he says. "I do not know what to do."
Lost in a fog. That is what people say. What they mean is, "I am uncertain and unclear about what to do next or to what I am being called next. I am worn down by my own attempts to try and live in and out of and around and through the calling to which I have already responded."
I know what they mean. I have heard this before. And I have said it myself - more than a few times. I also know my friend does not want me to answer his question; what he really wants to know is how to live in the fog.
I know about that, too.
LIVING IN THE FOG
"Behold, I am about to do something new," go the words of the prophet, waiting in the dark fog for the Messiah to come. "Can you not yet perceive it?"
Well, at least we are in good company. So I tell my friend what I know.
First, you have to hold two notions in your and in your heart- and in that mysterious place between the two where the Holy Spirit seems to live and breathe and have His being in us. Two notions that seem to contradict each other.
On the one hand, you need to accept the fact that such a fog comes and goes when it will. Right now you are to live in it and not fight it. Flailing around and kicking up a lot of dust - impassioned conversations, dramatic telephone calls, anguished pleas to the One who made the fog - all this may well make the fog thicker, if anything. Driving faster in the fog is not generally a good idea either, no matter how loudly you are blowing the horn.
Somewhere in the midst of a lifelong struggle it determine whether he should make a major change in his life, the spiritual writer Thomas Merton observed in his journal, "So, if God wants me to sit her in the confusion, then that is just fine with me." Not a bad posture to take while waiting for some new thing God is about to do.
On the other hand, remember, too, that you do have to keep going. Your life, regardless of how simple or complex, loud or quiet, is going to continue around you and within you. "Life is not a puzzle to be solved;" writes Merton, "it is a mystery to be lived." And sometimes the living is to be done while shrouded in fog.
You cannot stop the world while you figure out what to do next. You are going to have to figure this out while you are moving. And you will have to do so somewhere between sitting still and going too fast.
Do what you must do each day as well as you can, with all joy and spirit and diligence you can muster. Do the things that you know to do, and do them as well as you can. Let the everyday things of life keep you grounded. And be grateful for them.
Next, I tell my friend the things that can help with the choosing and yet not make the fog grow thicker; Be sure you know the real question. A question about God's will is always a choice between two goods. It is never a choice between a bad and a good. Make sure the choices before you are both good ones. And then repeat the question. You may well repeat your way into the answer.
And maybe another question will help. "What am I being stripped of here?" What am I being asked to let go of or to pick up? What am I being taught or shown about the ways of God in this? It may well be that those are the things for which God has given you the gift of the fog.......

It was such a blessing to go to my church for both services today, am and pm....it rarely happens because of our deputation schedule.....it was a sweet day of fellowship. And I love to hear my pastor preach....no frills, no 'storytime'....just the Word of God and how it can be used to change our lives on a daily basis
This morning the message was out of Acts 20:17-38 (these are rough notes)....and it was an example of Paul's ministry, things the apostle did that can encourage us in our ministry....he impacted others by
--developing Godly relationships vs 17.....he had many "friends" throughout the area, and they supported him, prayed with him, and shared truth with him...and visa versa
--he denied self.....for the sake of others.."what does God expect from me in the this area?" If there is something that will hinder the other person, then I am to deny myself and instead "seek growth".
--Proclaim truth to ALL...vs 21....no one should be denied the truth of the Gospel and the truth of God
--serve with humility...vs 19...service is an attitude of the heart...period. without humility, I am simply serving myself..."what would the keep me from serving the Lord?"...."what would STOP me from serving Him?"
--have a discerning spirit...vs 22...being sensitive to the leading there....have to be right before the Lord
--determined to be faithful!...vs 24 = pleasing to God. living by faith = believing in God, knowing He has a plan for my life, and daily stepping out in that perfect will
--he defended the faith...vs29-30....don't let false doctrine creep in....it's so easy and can happen quickly....stand ready to defend....be diligent in guarding your heart AND the flock!
--knowing the dangers of neglect....vs 31...if we fail to do those things mentioned...if we neglect being diligent about doctrine, the church will not represent the purpose of Christ...example of the many 'empty' churches, that are now museums even.
--his dependency on the Word of God...vs 32...it will edify you, build you up, give you an inheritance among the saints
--delight in prayer...vs 35-36....it's always a good time to pray....don't let the moment go by!

Like i said, rough notes....but it was an encouragement to me as I approach (quickly, i hope) my full time ministry....Lord protect me there, protect my ministry, help me every day to bring it before you with thankfulness and expectation....I CAN"T WAIT!!!!

The 5K training is back on

Well, I made it to the gym this am....after a late night last night, I really thought I would cave and just hit the snooze and sleep through my window of opportunity. I DID hit the snooze, but only once. Then I headed out in the rain to the gym. Once I'm there, I'm pretty good to get things accomplished.....I could tell it had been over a week since I ran....I had to walk 1/10 of a mile after I completed my first mile. It doesn't take long to lose the momentum! But I pushed through and got back to the place I left off...1.5 miles (actually, I ran 1.6 to make up for the walking I did earlier!). I am so glad I went and I feel inspired to keep going. And I'll be even more inspired because out of thin air I have 3 friends that want to work out together....and that is exactly what I need....accountability!! I am such a slacker if someone isn't there to kick me every now and then!

In other areas, my thoughts are getting busier and busier.....friends are in need, there is much family drama, and I have many things I am learning in my own personal life. The journey doesn't get put on hold, despite the circumstances around us, right? I am trusting that He knows best....I KNOW He knows best! ;)

The Lord is so good! I don't know why it takes me by surprise.....isn't it who He is? It is the only thing He can be!.....yet sometimes I am amazed.
It happened this morning.....nothing big, no notable miracle or great revelation....just the Lord knowing me in that personal way, giving me the loving confirmations I don't ask for, but must long for. In my Bible study this am, it asked me to go to Psalm 34. That may not seem like a grand intervention, but to me it was one of the sweetest kind....it happens to be my favorite psalm and it happened to be exactly what I needed today. His promise of protection, deliverance, and especially His eternal goodness.....it was a sweet balm to my soul this am. I finally exhaled....
It is so precious to be known in such an intimate way....without asking for it specifically, comfort was given....without seeking out in such detail, relief was placed before me. And to top it off, probably one of the only songs that can bring me to tears played on my computer at the same time.....again, a small detail to some....but a beautiful love note from my Precious Father. I don't deserve it, but He gives it regardless. That is what is so amazing about it all....He is not only good because He can be, He is good because He wants to be!

The Little Details

Ok, so I've discussed my discovery of failed parenting.....the Lord has brought it before me in more ways than one....mostly from the book I am reading, but He gently slips it in to my daily life in other ways, too. I am involved in a study about the fear of the Lord and true wisdom, and it ties into how I parent and why I parent.....or at least I was feeling that way. But part of me thought maybe I was just too pre-occupied with the whole parent thing....everything was starting to run together! But tonight at church, I realized that the two do go together........we started a series on Wednesday nights called the Pursuit of Wisdom. And I sat in almost a state of awe as I listened to my Pastor beautifully braid the two together: parenting and the fear of the Lord. And I took it very personally, that the Lord had me there tonight (I haven't been able to be at our church on a Wed. night in over a month!), so that He could fill in the little details and confirm the things that are being placed before me.
I rejoice in the journey more so today, knowing that God is walking close beside me.....

From Shepherding a Child's Heart (Tripp).....discussing 'a life of communication'....

"There is a simple way to look at the cost of deep, full-orbed communication. You must regard parenting as one of your most important tasks while you have children at home. This is your calling. You must raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. You cannot do so without investing yourself in a life of sensitive communication in which you help them understand life and God's world. There is nothing more important. You have only a brief season of life to invest yourself in this task. You have only one opportunity to do it, You cannot go back and do it over.

You live in a culture in which there are opportunities for you to do things unheard of in history. You are presented daily with scores of opportunities. There is more than you could ever do. You must, therefore, prioritize. To do this job of parenting well, it mush be a primary task. It is your primary calling.

Parenting will mean that you can't do all the things that you could otherwise do. It will affect your golf handicap. It may mean your home does not look like a picture from Better Homes and Gardens. It will impact your career and ascent on the corporate ladder. It will alter the kind of friendships you will be available to pursue. It will influence the kind of ministry you are able to pursue. It will modify the amount of time you have for bowling, hunting, television, or how many books you read. It will mean that you can't develop every interest that comes along. The costs are high."

Well, I'm not sure if i noticed a real difference in my sleep...I was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night, but I slept in some, so that helped. My mind continues to be full, and I continue to ask the Lord to filter through what is Truth and what is not.
**As I focus more on my parenting skills, I am thankful that the Lord is bringing situations to mind....occasions where I can make the 'better' choice, instead of just 'good' ones. It will take time, but I am encouraged as I remember His everlasting love for me and His faithful patience in my progress. Regardless of how I fail and how often I miss the mark, my heart's true desire is to please the Lord in this role He has placed me in. My children are a daily joy to me, but that was not their sole purpose....they have been placed here to teach me so many wonderful characteristics of God, to teach me to obey Him in every area, and especially to bring me to a deeper understanding of who He is and His amazing love for me!
**I did not get to Job today....I spent my time in the Word on another study, but I hope to continue that journey in some quiet time this afternoon. "Lord, teach me how to teach others"
**We continue to wait on word from UIM.....I find myself checking email often, but focusing on "exhaling" often. I'm seeking ways to relax these days.....not always going out, finding time for some quiet reading, taking a couple showers in one day if i feel like it. The only thing I can't seem to make time for is exercise.....but the Lord knows all that I am able to do in a day....so I will be patient in that as well.
**There are other things that make me weary these days....weary, but not always discouraged...I think there is a difference, and I need to constantly be defining that in my life. I am mostly tired, weary, and wanting to withdraw....but I am not without hope, joy, or promise. But unfortunately, I am without much sleep!! But I'm not fearful that it will last forever.....only a season! I look forward to heading to bed early tonight and sleeping soundly, rising bright and (somewhat) early, ready to face the day! We need to live with great expectations, right!?

Come, sweet sleep, please! :)

It's getting late and I am eager to go to bed and get some sleep.....but my brain has different plans and seems to have no intentions of slowing down! It's been that way for the past several nights, and as a result I have had very little sleep. I'm hoping tonight will be different...I'm hoping if I try to empty my mind here first....maybe......the sleep will come! nah, probably not!! :)
But we'll see....
**So, I'm reading the book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" (again!) and realizing I am mostly failing at this parenting thing. In light of everything, my upbringing, my own parents, my many mistakes, etc, I thought I was doing OK in the parenting area......I was doing the complete opposite of the parenting I was exposed to, so I thought it was a definite victory. My children are safe, happy, healthy, loved, given opportunities, taught the Word, etc....I thought that was grounds for a success story. I am learning that it takes more than just doing the opposite of 'wrong' to be a success according to the Word....therefore, the past few days have been some of the most discouraging days....really coming to grips with my failure in this area.
**And then there is my study in the book of Job.....I'm many days into studying about the plight of Job, and along with that the response of his 3 friends. So there's another area I probably need much improvement in...my relationships and how they should bring others closer to the Almighty God......enough said!
**And outside of any reading/studying I am doing, the stress of our upcoming future plays round and round in my head.....I am daily waiting on word as to whether we can go ahead and move to the mission field. Encouragement continues to come my way, as our support level grows (we recently moved from 85% to 90%...praise the Lord!), yet the not knowing the plans for the next couple of months makes me restless....even though I am fully aware that it should not. In some ways, I do have peace about the future....the Lord has been too good to me and to faithful to my family for me to really doubt, but at the same time i can't seem to fully relax with the not knowing....like I am waiting to exhale. I am just trying to keep my focus on the promises of God, in His Word, instead of dwelling on any doubts that try to make their way into my mind.

I am hoping that that was enough 'releasing' for tonight.....I'm aware it was just surface, but maybe just acknowledging it 'out loud' will help the sleep to come....and lots of prayers of course!!!

Good night!

The 5k Journey comes to a crawl..ugh!

Ok, i am behind in my training....there I said it! I hate to fail....hate it!!! But as of right now, I am falling short of my goals I laid out. At this point I should be running a strong 2 miles and working on my 3rd...but instead, I am still working toward my 2nd....having not yet reached it. I think I could if I had to, but it would not be pretty! I can hit a solid 1.5, and that is as far as I've attempted so far. Part of that is because I have not set foot in the gym in a week....no excuse! But that is going to change tomorrow.....I'm headed back there, ready to hit that 2 mile mark! I have lost 0 weight in the past month, which further adds to my discouragement. But I'm too competitive to quit and pout for too long.....I'll just re-evaluate, re-adjust, and move on, right? So I'm giving myself 2 weeks to get to 2 miles and then start moving toward that 3 mile mark.....hopefully I can still do it by the end of March!!! Go me!!

I read this in our monthly Home School Banner……thought I would pass it on…..

“Hiding the Word in the Heart”, by Dean May

“Martin Luther said years ago that he feared that unless the schools diligently taught the Scriptures, they would become the very gates of hell. Unless we are intentional in our home educating, that could happen in our school, too. I’m not going to talk much about the techniques of memorizing Scripture today, because that is not the real problem. Kids memorize everything! My kids watch a movie one time and they are quoting lines from it. The problem is not that it is hard for our kids to memorize. The problem is that we parents just don’t have enough motivation to lead them in memorizing Scripture. (that is speaking to me in particular!!)

Why should we memorize Scripture? Does the Bible command us to? We find our answer in Deuteronomy 6, where we are commanded to not only memorize Scripture, but also to home educate our children. These commands are to be upon our hearts. Impress them on our children! Talk about them when we sit at home and walk upon the road, when we lie down and when we get up. Tie them as symbols on our hands and bind them on our foreheads.

To ‘impress’ the commands means to pierce the heart. It means we must infuse our children with the Word of God! That’s your command – to teach your children to memorize Scripture. Then the way to fulfill the rest of this passage is to have your kids with you as you go through the day, teaching them how to interpret everything you encounter through the lens of God’s Word. That is homeschooling at its best.

I’ve been to a lot of memorization workshops in the past. I was always looking for some gimmick, something that was going to make it easy for me. There are the various mnemonic devices…there are dozens of them out there.

I have found for me that the problem was not that I did not have the right technique, I just did not have enough ‘want to’. It wasn’t important enough to me. You know what? We always take the time to do the things that are important to us. If I were to follow you around for 2 weeks, I could tell you what’s important in your life. One of my pastors has a quote on his wall. It says, “We practice daily what we believe and the rest is just religious froth”.

What’s the most important book in your school’s curriculum? If your children were to make the effort required to memorize important speeches or poems, what would you say would be the best material for them to memorize?

You’re probably like me. I really wanted my children to be able to quote large passages from the scripture. I wanted them to be intimate with the Bible, with God’s Word so infused in their minds and lives that they would know His character. I wanted them to be able to think God’s thoughts so they would know in an instant what his will was in any given situation.

But how can we teach our children the will of God? Romans 12:2 gives us the answer. “Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.” We can know his perfect will as we transform our minds by His Word.

We are what we eat. What we eat, we internalize and it will transform us. If we eat a diet of trash TV, we start to think like trash TV. If we eat a diet of destruction and killing in Nintendo games, we become desensitized to the killing and destruction going on in our world today. If we want to develop a heart that embraces God’s heart, we have to eat His Word.

Scripture tells us the mind of God. It’s the handbook for this created world. It’s the history of the universe. It tells us the beginning. It tells us the middle. It tells us the end. As we read, feed on it, digest it, and ruminate it, it changes us, but we have to DO IT!!!

Take 15 minutes a day for the most important thing you can feed your children. Put the Scriptures at the center of your home education experience. It will be the most rewarding curriculum change you could ever make in your home school.