I am not at home right now.....I'm 'away', getting some much needed rest. It's been good and to be honest, I've been able to come close to REALLY relaxing (something I am not usually very good at)....I haven't really thought much about home and all that is waiting there for me as far as ministry, and that has really added to my 'rest'. It's been good.

But tonight I could think of nothing but home....in fact, I thought about it in a way that almost brought me to tears.

I was sitting in the middle of a youth group...one that I am somewhat familiar with....surrounded by people who I have even spent time in ministry with.....listening to great worship music.....sat under great teaching.....yet I found my mind wandering 950 miles away, to a much different place. It made me think of home....my tiny little reservation town. And what brought that place to mind was not very 'normal'. It was actually the youth group 'announcements'. They started out their youth meeting with a list of announcements....nothing fancy, pretty normal.....for here. But for the dusty little town that I live in, it was a far cry from normal. As the youth pastor announced Senior High meetings, lunches, Discipleship groups, etc, I was thinking about the 'youth' ministries I am involved in. There are no announcements there....because there are no meetings, discipleship groups, or even lunches.....there is nothing but our tiny little group that meets once a week.

Then I started looking around. All the kids wore warm clothes......most had nice Bibles with cute little notebooks.....many were carrying Starbucks cups full of nice, warm, coffee flavored liquids.....all were laughing and enjoying each other. I looked at the many, MANY leaders in the group....it seemed like there was one leader for every couple of youth! Back home, there are many nights where the kids come with no coats, even though the temp is way below freezing....none of them bring Bibles.....there are no Starbuck cups, in fact, many have not eaten since their school lunch, which is why we serve them some type of dinner......there is some laughter, but most of it is a cover up for the struggles and hurts they just left at their house....and we are definitely short staffed....not near enough hands to do the work, much less spend the one on one time with the kids.

Even the music and teaching was different....it was great and I loved it.....but it still reminded me of what we "don't" have back home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what we don't have....and I'm definitely not bitter about those who have more. But it did burden my heart for the people in the southwest, and the obstacles they have to overcome to even get to a place of being able to worship. Sometimes it's the cold, sometimes it's hunger, sometimes it's the lack of the Word, sometimes it's even the lack of good teaching. And as the youth pastor spoke on 1 Peter 1:10-16, another thing they 'lacked' came to mind.

Hope.

As he spoke of putting our hope into the things that are to come, I personally felt encouraged for my own spiritual walk, but it wasn't long that a weariness set in.....it was the weariness of trying to preach 'hope' to a people that have very little hope.....both in this world or the world to come. I have found it very difficult to teach about the hope that is to come, when they can't even grasp the concept of hope at all. Many have nothing to look forward.....it becomes quite the task to tell them and bring them to a place of rest in an eternal hope. Every home represented at our youth meeting (minus the few staff kids that come) are in some kind of turmoil.....whether it's some kind of abuse, or it's loss of a job, or alcoholism with one or both parents, or a severe medical problem....all of our families are in crisis of some kind. So as I sat there under this great teaching, and even though I was able to grow and find encouragement for my own heart, I suddenly became very weary again.....almost forgetting I was on 'vacation'. My heart was heavy for the people I had left back home.....and it still is now. My head hurts from the strain of holding back the tears.

Yet I'm reminded of a verse....."do not grow weary in doing good".....a command, yet a comfort at the same time. I know those words can mean different things to different people, but within those words I hear, "don't allow yourself to be so heavy hearted that you can't continue in the work I have laid before you"....."don't allow ANYTHING to cause you to lose sight of the vision I have for my people"......"don't take on all the hardships yourself....give them to Me.....I can handle them......not only handle them, but I can turn mourning into dancing, weeping into joy".

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling the burden of the people I serve and minister to, and I may never be able to think about their struggles without tearing up.....but I know that I can, and must, continue to 'do good' among them. And I must do it with confidence that my Lord walks beside me all the way....always willing and desiring to share the load with me. I look forward to many more years of "not growing weary in doing good" in my little dusty, reservation town :)