ugghhhh!

So I started a new book.....even though I told myself I wouldn't start a new one until I got done with the other 5 I am reading. But the Lord knows me better than I know myself and as soon as the book was placed in my hands, I knew I would probably not willingly and eagerly read it....mostly because of my weariness on the subject the past couple of days. So when I heard that gentle, soft, "read it now", I knew I just better obey and start.....or I would never do it.

So it's a book on relationships....which I happen to struggle in daily....all of them....no one is excluded. But this one is on friendships, which happens to be my worst and the one I make the most pitiful attempts in.
It started off discouraging for me....sharing stories of dear childhood friends, the closeness they shared, the sweetness of their fellowship, etc....all things that often elude me, by my own choice. Don't get me wrong....I have friends...probably more than I think I need (good thing I am not all-knowing in the area of my need, right?). And I enjoy all of them.....I find joy, laughter, fellowship, silliness, encouragement, and all the cool things that friends bring into our lives....I also sometimes find discouragement, hurt, frustration, fear, and all the not so cool things that we often find in them as well (and don't act like I'm the only one that deals with those things...we all do and it's nothing new). But my struggles go a little further than that....that is another blog for another day.....but I did want to jot down some of the things that are coming to light from the short time I have been reading this book (which was only about 2 hours but I am at least halfway through).
I have read enough books and heard enough discussions on the topic of friendships to know that we need them.....we are designed for them.....it's all in our make-up, especially as women. And I can actually agree with that....sounds like a good plan. And for those of us who struggle, I've heard many of the reasons as to why this area is difficult.....one reason that is often thrown around is upbringing.....particularly the relationship with our mothers. It's one of the points that this book brought up, along with the 2 responses that can result: withdrawal or dependence. Well, for anyone that has spent more than a day with me, then you know which way I lean.....i am definitely one that is ok with LOTs of space and can retreat into "hermit mode".....I am a withdrawer in the truest form. And I will admit, that my mom's role in my life probably does play a part in all of that. She made decisions when I was a child that led to us being separated for many years.....a choice she made, choosing her love for alcohol over me. That used to define me, but now I have obviously learned to find my worth in the choice my Savior made for me on the cross. But having faced that kind of abandonment (i have never used that word before)it has definitely made me VERY leery about entering into any relationship that has the potential of getting any more intimate than passing acquaintances. I have always shied away from them, but if I were being honest, often looked from afar at them with some curiosity and small longing.....but never really knowing how to go about it, not even really knowing where to begin. It was easier to just stay at a distance.
It was also a reminder to me about the consequences of sin....not necessarily the consequences of MY sin (although that happens lots too!!), but in this case the sins of others, which sometimes effects us....in this case, the sins/choices my mom made. In the providence of God (which has been displayed in the most amazing ways this week!!!), I even looked at that in my devotions this am.....I was in Gen 3, where Adam and Eve have sinned and now stand before God as He deals out the consequences of that sin....which as we all know, effects everyone of us on a daily basis. Well, I have learned the same to be true in our personal lives, and the sins of our "fathers", so to speak. Although the particular 'sin' is over and I now have a functioning relationship with my mom (all under my full control, of course!....hey, at least I'm admitting it!!!), and I have mostly dealt with that part of my life, there are still aspects of it that pop up....like here, in the area of friendships. It becomes the temptation to get frustrated with my past then.....something that doesn't happen often. I've have learned over the years to be appreciative of what the Lord has allowed to pass through His hand and give to me. But there are days that I am tempted to become resentful, when it stands in the way of something I would really like to partake and enjoy.
But as I stood in church this morning and sang my all time favorite hymn (one of the many, many examples of God working in this), I was reminded of who God is and how He longs for it to be 'well with my soul'.
So after I moved past the frustration I was struggling with, now I need to decide what to do with it all.....what is my next step in the area of friendship?
I have ideas....some I have already followed through with.....some will need time. I am thankful that my God is patient with me....and I am just as thankful for patient friends. This week has not been what I thought it would be....I rarely am ok with the focus being on me. But I am finding the more obedient I am in it, the less the focus has to be on me and things loosen up and get a little easier. So, that in itself, is inspiration to move forward in this! But in all honesty, although this journey I am on will ultimately bring me closer to the people around me and I so look forward to the sweet fellowship that will come as a result, I am more looking forward to growing closer to my God and living in an even sweeter fellowship there.
Thank you, friend, for walking with me....for being patient....for speaking the truth. I look forward to our "old age" and "motorcycles"!! And you are still the one that falls off!

(one day, the nancy leigh demoss notes....one blog at a time!) :)